Rebuilding Life with Grace

When “Not As Bad” Is Still Not Okay

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I used to think that if something wasn’t as bad as what came before, it wasn’t worth speaking up about.

As a child, I was bullied—mocked, left out, and made to feel like my voice didn’t matter. That early pain taught me something dangerous: to expect mistreatment and stay quiet. Then came a marriage that reinforced that lie in ways I didn’t know were possible.

My first (now ex) husband didn’t just hurt me emotionally—he took pleasure in it. He knew exactly how to make me feel small, how to twist my words, how to isolate me until I questioned my own sanity. And when that wasn’t enough, he didn’t hesitate to cross physical lines. He would intentionally provoke me and make me angry so he would have an excuse to hit me. I lived on edge, constantly trying to guess what version of him I’d face each day. That kind of trauma reshapes you. It redefines your sense of safety, of love, of self.

So when that marriage ended and I later found myself in another relationship that wasn’t physically abusive, I thought I was finally safe. I told myself, “This isn’t as bad as before. I should be grateful. I should be stronger.” But somewhere deep inside, a quiet voice was whispering the truth: “Just because it’s not as bad doesn’t mean it’s good. Or safe. Or loving.”

Desensitization is real. When you’ve been through deep wounds, your heart tries to protect itself. You might normalize behaviors that are still harmful—emotional manipulation, gaslighting, neglect—because your scale of “normal” has been so painfully shifted. You learn to endure instead of thrive. You become numb instead of free.

I didn’t realize how much I had minimized my pain until I heard myself say out loud, “He doesn’t hit me.” That was my bar. And it broke my heart when I realized it.

Healing taught me this: You don’t have to compare today’s pain to yesterday’s trauma to decide if it’s valid. If something is hurting you, it’s hurting you. Period. And you deserve better than “not as bad.”

You deserve respect. You deserve to feel emotionally safe. You deserve peace—not walking on eggshells. You deserve love that doesn’t come with confusion, fear, or control.

If you’ve been through something worse, I see you. I know how hard it is to believe you’re worthy of more. But friend, you are. You always have been.

Give yourself permission to feel. To grieve. To name what’s not okay—even if it’s “not as bad.” Because even mild poison is still poison, and you were made to live, not slowly die.

You’re not alone.
If you are in a relationship where you feel isolated, controlled, or unsafe, please know there is help available. You are worthy of safety, love, and peace.

Need support? Here are some trusted resources:

Take the next right step for your healing, however small it may be. Grace meets you right where you are.

With heart and hope,
Michaela Noelle Grace
Founder of Rebuild Life with Grace
rebuildlifewithgrace.org

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